Im in love with a girl, now it gets difficult

[blazko]

So I met this girl at a party. We kissed and exchanged phonenumbers. We dated a few times and kissed again. After one of these dates she wants to talk to me and tells me she doesn’t think it is a smart thing to start a relationship on exchange (We both life in a foreign city and are from different countries, we both will move back in February), since we will both move away again and it will end in tears eventually. She also tells me she will not have sex with me since she only has sex in a steady relationship. I tell her I agree it would be a stupid idea to start a relationship and that she should do whatever feels right for her and she absolutely should not have sex with me if she does not feel good about that.

The next date we end up having sex. The date after that we walked through the park holding hands, arm in arm like a real couple and I actually am really starting to like this girl in a way I usually never feel about a girl. I actually feel I am starting to fall in love, something that has not happened to me in years. So I tell this girl I really like her.

She moves away back to her country for a week. During this week I start to realize more and more that I could actually fall for this girl and want to be with her. The day after she comes back we meet up and she says she wants to talk to me. She tells me she thought about me a lot and talked with her girlfriends about me and says she wants me to understand that she does not plan on having a relationship on exchange. She says she feels I am starting to really like her and she would understand if I do not want to see her again. She also says the last few weeks she has been a lot happier because I was in her life and she did not want to hurt me.

I was a bit disappointed about that. I tell her usually I am the one telling the girls that I don’t want to be in a relationship, karma is a bitch right. I tell her I don’t easily tell girls I like them a lot, she tells me to stop talking like that because it only makes it worse. She senses my disappointment but still we had a fun day went to a viewpoint overlooking the city we stay in. She wants to hold my hand and walk arm in arm, we cuddle on the bed at her place, we don’t have sex I didn’t try to initiate either.

So this is the problem. I really want this girl, for the first time in years I can say I am in love. She is beautiful smart etc. I also feel she likes me too, why would she walk hand in hand, arm in arm, spend whole days just talking and walking with me and having sex with me (something she has only done with 3 guys before). I sense she just does not want to get hurt when time comes to part but I do not want to give up on this, for me this does not happen every day.

I am doubting how I should handle this. I feel maybe she wants to know I am serious, she knows I have been with a lot of girls and maybe she feels she cannot trust me and that’s why she is holding back. In that case I should really confess my love for her so she won’t doubt it.

On the other hand I feel this would be to overwhelming, she just said she does not want to be in a relationship, my confession of true love might be too much and she could say it would be better not to see each other again which would hurt me in a big way.

I would really appreciate some input on how to handle this situation. I love a girl for the first time since years and do not want to mess this up.

[Bart S]

Don't worry yourself with making "confessions" right now. You first need to ask yourself, how far are you willing to go for this girl? Are you willing to commit and are you willing to meet her half way? Are you willing to make big changes in your life to have her in it?

Also, if she is a "true love" for you, it is indeed a special thing. Its something worth fighting for.

You don't have to make deep confessions to her, just tell her that you are willing to put in the effort and "go for it". That its really important to you to see where this thing will go.

[Kim]

she doesn’t think it is a smart thing to start a relationship on exchange since we will both move away again

she wants me to understand that she does not plan on having a relationship on exchange.

she just said she does not want to be in a relationship,

What exactly do you not understand here?

It's really very likely that she had sex with you PRECISELY because you weren't from around there and neither was she. When you agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea to get into a relationship on exchange, you were agreeing to let this be a short-term thing.

Now you're not holding up your part of the bargain.

I totally understand how it's confusing to you that she had sex with you and she's holding hands with you and being cuddly, but that's likely because your behavior, which she noticed, had gotten needy and she was trying to let you down easy.

[blazko]

Thanks for your input. The problem is the complete inconsistency between what she tells me and the way she acts. She is the one who organizes dates where we just go out to eat an icecream, make a walk through the park. She even introduced me to her friends at a party, and told me her friends thought “I was cool” without me asking about it. She said to me that I shouldn’t think that when she sees me she just wants to have sex, but that she just likes to hang out with me etc.

To me that behavior is not congruent with a pure sexual relationship. You don’t introduce your sexbuddies to your friends, and you don’t take your sexbuddies out for icecream or a walk in the park.

Furthermore what this girl says “I don’t want to have sex” and how she acts, having sex, is not consistent anyway. So my interpretation is that she actually does like me but tries to control her feeling because she rationally knows it is a stupid idea. Rationally I think it is stupid as well by the way but since I am not going to give up on the first girl I am in love with since years because of rational considerations. I think I will regret that later.

And she is not letting me “letting me down easy” last time I saw her she said she enjoyed being with me and wants to meet me and perhaps my friends again soon. You don’t say that if you want to let someone down.

After thinking about it I agree with Bart S. Right now there is no need for any confessions or big talks. I think I should just keep dating her as we do know and let her realize her own feelings on her own. Trying to persuade her actively will only make her feel pressured which wont help.

[Stendhal]

I think it is very clear what she wants. She says she doesn't want a long term relationship with you, but while she's in the same city as you she wants to do romantic things and have sex. What she wants is a fling. What she really wants is for you to show her that you are cool with having a fling and won't get attached long term. She wants the romance because it is fun and more interesting than just meeting to have sex (and maybe she isn't into having sex without the romance being there). Then, she wants to go home and not worry about it any more.

My advice: have the fling. Don't expect anything more. If, once she goes back to wherever she is from you find you still are interested in something more, wait a little while, and mention you might visit her town sometime. If she seems enthusiastic, great, if not, drop it.